October 30, 2010 Effective Grieving

The book of Lamentations makes a lot more sense when you read it right after Jeremiah.  Considering what had happened to Jerusalem, the siege and the exile to Babylon, it makes total sense to grieve.  Most of us are familiar with the "stages of grief" from psychology.  Instead of referring to that right now, I am looking solely at what I learned about grieving from what we've read so far in Lamentations.  Then we can evaluate the observations as we read the rest of the book and review what we've already read.

There are different points of view expressed in this long poem of grief.  It's not so confusing when you read it this way.  However, strong feelings of confusion are natural when experiencing grief, especially something so deeply affecting as what Jeremiah is writing about.  As we see Jerusalem personified as a grieving widow, and then enter in to her experience and the expression of her grief, we can learn a lot. 

There's Jeremiah's personal grief expressed here, too;  and sometimes it even seems that God is expressing His own grief through Jeremiah.  I came to the conclusion that God grieved as much as anyone for having to put His people through the stuff.  If you're a parent, you most likely know how painful it is for parents to do the needed discipline at times.  It is obvious that God did not enjoy the destruction and the resulting grief of His people.  He's a compassionate God.

So, my first conclusion is this:  if you've suffered loss, no matter what type, tell the story and express the grief as thoroughly and honestly as you can (and a creative medium such as journaling or poetry can help you do this).  At first, you don't have to think through the feelings, make sense of them, dissect them or judge them (they may seem irrational to you or others).  Just get them out in reviewable form.

If we are around someone who is grieving, being able to hear/see, etc. the feelings helps us share the grief with them-- helps us understand.  Reading this book, along with some of the Psalms and other people's expressions, can help us understand someone in extreme grief even if we haven't been there ourselves.  Being open to sharing our grief expressions with intimate others can open us up to sharing our grief with God, and to experiencing His comfort as well.  We understand from Lamentations that God does not hold Himself aloof from our grief, even if we have brought a loss onto ourselves (yes, I have been there). 

IMPORTANT: I want to note that we must not apply the discipline reason for loss to someone (even to ourselves, as in the throes of grief, we may become self-condemning) unless it is our own child we ourselves are disciplining.  It is up to the Holy Spirit to reveal the "whys" for things happening to people, and He may not always do so. It can be so terribly wounding to people for us to try to interpret their losses for them, even if we are correct-- and we most likely are not.  Please refrain from doing so (unless you're the prophet Jeremiah--and remember, he warned them in advance by God's orders).

Second, in the midst of the grieving process, it is paramount to remember what we know about God, review things He's done for us, and praise Him for His goodness and steadfast love.  Making ourselves read or listen to the Word is essential in this process.  If we have journaled about His work in our lives, this is a good time to go back to it and read it again.    We may be feeling really angry at God, and maybe we're blaming Him for stuff.  He can handle it, and He is OK with us expressing these thoughts and feelings.  But He also wants us to draw away from the feelings and the grief sometimes, and just meditate on Him.  Sometimes others can remind us of His love and goodness, and His good plans for us-- this must be done gently and with love.  Look how Jeremiah did this so tenderly in the middle of Lamentations.  Such a good example!

The third part is a melding process of the first two.  The Holy Spirit begins to work in us to compare and contrast our experience and feelings of grief with the realities of God.  The more we are able to immerse ourselves in Him and His Word, including fellowship with wise and loving believers, the quicker we are able to integrate what we've experienced and feel with our knowledge of Him and the truth He reveals to us.  Slowly, (and it's different for everyone in timing and the way the process looks), things start to clear up.  We see where we need to repent, and we are able to do so.  We see what God is doing in our life, and we are able to hear and accept His promises for the future.   He imparts His peace to us as we hold on in faith to what we believe about Him. 

The more solidly we are rooted into the Rock that is God, and the more thoroughly we have allowed His Word to change our thinking, the more equipped we will be to endure hardship, loss, and even disaster, and the more effectively we will be able to work through our grief and help others to do so as well.  Even if we find ourselves being disciplined for something, we will be secure in the love and goodness of our Father.  Perhaps we will even avoid said discipline by having experienced vicariously the loss and grief, repentance and restoration of another.  I believe this is God's hope for us all.